Apologies

Here's the deal: You think I haven't posted in a while, because I don't love you. This is incorrect. In fact, I've really gotten into the blogging thing. Not that I'm an awesome blogger, but I do enjoy it. The truth is that Mechanical Engineering this summer has required a little more than Lowder University(The Business School) did. Amphetamines being one of the most important things. In the next available 48 hours I will take an Engineering Calculus quiz, a MatLab(computer programming) Final Exam, a two-hour Lab Exam, a Calculus Final Exam, write a computer program, pay a speeding ticket, sort of plan a bachelor's party, an Introduction to Mechanical Engineering Final Exam, I just finished painting a house today(gotta pay for college as well as attend it these days...), and I've gotta figure out something to feed these new baby snakes! So, naturally when I have too many things to do in the time I have to do them I wash my car or write a blog. Sometimes both? I say all this to say... I still love you.

Sammy's Been Busy...

So, I've kept a few lizards in a terrarium for a few months now. They're pretty fun. They scurry about in their tank, they eat crickets or mealworms, they make love, and they make it often. So clearly, they've been enjoyable pets(with the exception of "Charlie," a girl lizard that was never fun, that I let go long ago).
About a couple of months ago, I came across a slightly injured brown snake in the woods near my condo, so naturally I threw him in the mix too. Just last night, much like the night before when I decided to paint my bathroom, I decided they should all go back to the wild yonder. So, I caught the lizards first, Freddy and Danielle, and put them outside and watched them gleefully scamper off. And then it came to Sammy the snake... I move a rock to get a good handle on him to lift him to freedom when I saw them... Babies. Snake babies are all over the place! Turns out "Sammy" is really "Samantha" and she apparently got injured in some kinky reproductive kind of way. Who am I to judge? But there you have it. Short and sweet today. I've decided to keep the babies for a while to make sure they are big enough to introduce to the dangers of Auburn.

What about the Boat-times?

I've had just about the best week a man on earth could possibly hope for. I've laughed my ass off, screamed, danced a little, worked, learned, skipped class, went to some class, traveled, drove a Sea-Doo, acquired new music, met new people, saw my sister, hung out with good friends like Nathan Pauley, I could go on. This is what has made me a believer again in the fact that joy has nothing to do with your circumstances (I’ve been talking about this). This is because; I've had some really low moments this week. I’m not going to get heavy into them. They just have to do with facing my flesh and seeing insecurity come back into areas where I thought it was gone forever. God is taking care of that though, let’s get back to my amazing week:

I caught up with an old girlfriend I had back freshman/sophomore year this past week and it just rocked my world (shout-out to E.G.). And I don't mean it that way... I just love learning from mistakes and moving forward, it’s the most gratifying thing to me. I spent an hour and seven minutes on the phone with her. I think what made it so good is that I was able to think through my attitude in our relationship and see from the outside looking in, what really robbed us of fun and good times back then. Understand, she and I are not right for each other; this is about looking forward, not pointless regrets. Being freed from a twisted attitude just took identifying it and giving it up. Freedom reigns from that old crusty way of thinking, and it feels good.

Semi-related: I’ve faced and conquered some pretty evil thoughts about the more recent past as well. I can be pretty hard on myself. Especially about mistakes that have hurt others. Since I’m a self-centered prideful ass, I tend to also get very worried about how things look to others. I hate that about myself. I fight it, and most of the time successfully. But… If I’m not thinking straight, I can let what others think affect me. The fact is this: I did have to break off an engagement, but that does not reflect the kind of person I am. When I’m weak, I slip into thinking about how bad that looks. I feel like I have to explain the situation to everyone, so that they will understand. This is inexcusable. Now if someone wants to know, I love explaining how I’ve learned from it and the amazing things God has done through it, sure. But, allow me to be raw with you… If you put some kind of judgment on the kind of person I am because I’ve been through that situation, fuck you. Whew, that feels good.

This has just been one of those weeks that, at its conclusion, I have to pause and thank God. Thanks for what You’ve taught me, and thanks for the good times.

Sing the Song Boys, Sing the Song!

My friends will tell you that I can justify pretty much everything that I do or want to do in life. In fact, Dan, a truly good friend to me for many years, put it this way: “Lee, you could murder my mother, and after talking to you, I would actually feel bad for ever being upset and even wonder why I ever questioned you about it.” In light of that, I see how I can talk myself in or out of just about anything. It’s frustrating at times, when I legitimately desire truth and understanding about a decision, though. I’m often worried whether what I’m doing is Christ in me, or am I just making my own justifications. Some might say that it wouldn’t really matter as long as you felt good about what you were doing. But, I’ve learned from Christ that it’s ultimately for my own self-interest that I figure out exactly what God would have me do. It takes faith to believe this, but He actually does have our best interest in mind through every situation He drags us into and out of. I’ve come to understand that He’s never trying to keep us from happiness. His desire for our holiness is completely intertwined with our joy.

Case in point: I’m an extremely sexual human. We might all be, but I definitely have a heightened awareness of the fact. Often, I used to wonder what the big deal was about exploring and enjoying things in your youth…(I mean it’s all in the name of Love?). With the powers that I have described above, I guarantee you that I could convince most people that it would be a positive thing for everybody involved. I mean, really, I could go either way here. I mean, the word of God is extremely clear that we should have no sexual lovers other than our one wife, but why?

Then the revelations of Christ roll into town. Just like in most situations that we try to figure out on our own, Christ proves that He wants much more for us than we are even wanting for ourselves. He knows there’s something crazy that happens when a man and a woman save themselves for the other. In doing so, they will be able to connect in an exclusively intimate way. I believe that it will surpass anything I could ever imagine. I know it will. I relate it to the way you share something special with someone when you discover and always listen to a certain song together. When you think of that song it’s like, aww… Well that, times about eleventy billion.

I see a theme here that, while obvious, I feel the need to point out. In the Christian story, it has always been about suffering, because of the hope you have in something greater. As we know, Christ had every out in the world to avoid His torture and eventual gruesome death, but He chose to go through it because God instilled in Him the hope of something amazing. The world is constantly wooing us into half-ass imitations of what’s really good, or “lovers less wild than Jesus,” if you will… Unfortunately, they will always eventually disappoint us.

Hope along with me, in something greater.