Case of the Mondays...

After 2 dollar pints at Mellow of whatever you like honey, and wing night at any of several fine establishments around the greater Auburn Metropolitan Area, how could anybody be pissed that it's monday?!?! I mean, can I get a what what? Life is just good and there's no denyin' it.

Unstoppable

To start off, I’ve had a shitty week. A one day painting project for a bitchy old lady turned into a five day project plagued with rain and irrational demands, got a superfluous 50 dollar parking ticket today, missed much class to testify against an ex-girlfriend in court, had to drive to Bham, probably bombed a test, all of my friends are out of town, and to top it off: I’ve spent my Friday night cleaning.

I say all that to say: God is good. I mean soooo good.

“I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance, and need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” (cheesy maybe, but it screams truth)

That verse is not about forcing a smile while getting sucker-punched by the world. It’s about having and feeling real joy.

I love how God has beautifully orchestrated this life of mine by chocking it full of my mistakes and His blaring grace. Mistakes, any of which could’ve killed me or scarred me emotionally for the long haul, but they haven’t. I’ve got a track record that proves countless weaknesses that give God all the more glory.

Today, I’m just appreciating how every trial I’ve faced has worked to show my faults. It’s almost as if God has disciplined me as a perfect father would… funny how that works. I mean, He has drug me through some shit! (much like my mortal dad) He’s had no choice?! I’ve walked around on earth thinking I could do something amazing. I can’t describe how it feels to be utterly embarrassed for how weak and cowardly of a man I am, and come into a deeper understanding of how that knowledge makes me unstoppable.

Around the corner from disappointment is always the assurance of something much better. In Africa, I saw how much greater it is to lift Christ up and watch him do the miracles. He lets us be a part of crazy things.

I’ve bloodied my knuckles pursuing women to the point of marriage, worked hard for success in school, tried to be “cool,” I’ve tried to dress cool, work out like a cool guy, talk like a cool guy, done things to improve on my image as a cool guy, made money to fund my cool guy activities, … the list goes on. I still do these things. But at the moment that success in any of these categories is even half-way realized, it’s clear that they will not bring me one step closer to joy. Jim Carrey once said "I wish everyone could experience being rich and famous, so they'd see it wasn't the answer to anything"

It seems that the world can be a huge hamster wheel that just keeps us busy?

Whenever I come off a big failure however, it forces me to reach out to Christ. He assures me that He’s working in me and that nothing is in vain. Let’s face it, I simply don’t believe the gospel. Christ has to constantly prove it to me, so He does. He has done so again tonight.

Praise God.

You Create Something like Inward Singing!

Lately, I’ve heard a lot of negative sentiment about the U.S. presidential election. Whether it’s that John McCain is a flip floppin’ George Bush III, or that Barack Obama is a sketchy muslim, I’m just kind of sick of all the nay saying. I feel like the consensus is this: America is screwed, so it doesn’t matter who the next president is. Oil prices, the war in Iraq, the moral decline of society, the economy as a whole, what have you…

Every generation has its huge issues to conquer. What am I missing here? An old lady I was working for yesterday said, “You don’t understand, because you haven’t lived through the wars and times that I’ve lived through.” I told her that the key words there were: “lived through.” She’s seen some crazy bad times, and she’s seen us always come through? I get this feeling from people that acknowledging the severity of the issues at hand is, for whatever reason, as far as they can go. It’s like, “We’re all F’ed!... What should we eat for lunch?”

If it’s true that we better start growing our own food or investing in solar panels, then why aren’t we? It is literally, not the end of the world! We can look back at something like Apollo 13 and see that those astronauts should not have made it home and it was probably the worst predicament astronauts have ever been in. However, at the time, the people who knew the facts down in mission control didn’t throw their hands up in the air and say, “Well shit, we better call these men’s families in here so they can talk to them one last time, because it’s not lookin’ good.”

I feel like the people of America are being that annoying guy on a team that thinks his sole purpose is to bash every idea proposed and yet, never come up with any alternatives. Sometimes our society seems paralyzed. Pretty soon, the future is going to be the present and the sky is not going to turn black while “the whores come out.” (Our president may, however…) I guess all I’m asking is, please don’t be THAT guy.

Mickey Mouse Watch

If you know me at all, you probably know that I’m a bit of a dork. Especially about things like, physics or space. I’ve tutored people in physics that would tell you I’m an amazing genius. I’m not, but they would say it. I say this only to emphasize the point I’m about to make. I’m in Calculus right now. Calculus One. Not exactly higher-level math. I used to be pretty good at math, after all I almost aced Business Calculus one and two, but it’s been several years since those days. Lately, I barely make it to my 8am class and I’m lost most of the time. I’ve recently made the decision to become a mechanical engineer and I can’t understand Cal I. I mean, it’s embarrassing. This stuff should be a joke to me. I feel like a total fraud.

However, I know that I will learn the Calculus and I know that every class that this curriculum eventually throws at me (differential equations, Cal III, statics, aerodynamics, etc.), I will not only get through, but I will kick ass in. Not because I’m smart, but because I’ve realized something huge today. Could I pass “linear algebraic whatever 4820” right now? NO, but after I get through Cal I, I’ll be able to get through Cal II and then so on… My attitude is this: I’ve got to. I’m blessed beyond absolute belief to be in the position I’m in. I mean extravagantly rich in the eyes of the world. Not only rich enough to eat several meals a day and own a car, but to have professional teachers spoon feed me knowledge every time I show up. I’ll figure out this engineering thing one step at a time. At some point most people just quit. If you don’t quit, you win. It’s that simple. God will provide every single thing that I need every single step of the way. He always has. To fail, one has to make the decision to quit. I think that if people are presented with something they don’t understand they just freak out and it’s that freaking out that makes them fail. Almost like hyper-ventilating makes you pass out. I mean, just chill out and breathe normally, and you would be fine?!?! It’s just like when people are drowning and all their flailing just pulls them deeper in, when they could just calm down and virtually float. If you get overwhelmed, just bite off a little less at a time.

All of these thoughts came from a brief flashback I had today. I think that it will explain why all this self-help/motivational speaker shit is spewing out of me. When I was really young (I’m not good with ages) I had the classic Mickey Mouse watch. You know it, you love it. Those little white, Michael Jackson gloved hands pointing at the hour and the minute… I couldn’t read it. I would beg my dad to explain it to me. Then I begged my mom, and my sisters. I was freakin’ out! I didn’t get it. How could the same numbers mean different things to his different hands and how am I supposed to figure all that out in my head?! I remember crying by myself wondering, “if I can’t tell time, how am I ever gonna be smart enough to do anything else I wanna do in life?!?!?” I was convinced that I might not ever figure it out.

Removed from the situation I can laugh at myself and see how dumb that is. I think that’s what God is doing to us ALL the time.

Experience vs. Success

We learn most when we try and we fail. But, there’s something to be gained over and above just learning. Just like ol’ Teddy says,” It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood…” I’m constantly called to be that man. The trouble is, failing hurts. Sometimes, it even hurts others.

This has much to do about the experience God wants us to have as opposed to the success we strive toward. I’ve learned over and over that following Christ is not about productivity, or how much you feel like you’re “doing for the Kingdom.” It’s about whether you listened to the whisper of God and you obeyed that whisper. After all, we rarely get to see the fruit of our labor when it comes to kingdom work. The reward is always Joy. Pure, indescribable joy in our lives that only comes from Christ.

This also relates to a tidbit God has revealed to me this week about life while reflecting on my past relationships with ladies. My focus has often become fixed on the success (in my eyes) of a relationship. In other words, I strive for the continuation and development of that relationship. I have a tendency to lose touch with the experience. I’ll work until my hands bleed or my body absolutely gives out while striving for this goal. This sounds great at first glance, but I’ve seen that a woman is not a prize to win and a relationship is not something you earn. After all, a relationship that works can only come from God. I mean, I think we all know the challenges of bringing a man and a woman into intimate community with each other. It doesn’t work unless something divine is happening. The truth that I’ve found is this: If our goal is a relationship or even a marriage, we will always be disappointed, because a relationship or a marriage is NOT life giving. Jesus is.

I’m personally trying to release my controlling instincts when it comes to the course of a future relationship and my life in general. I want to be true to myself and allow God to bring me joy as I live to listen and obey Him one step at a time.

"You're lookin' good!"

Before you read this post, take a deep breath and hold on for a minute. While unbelievable, what follows is an actual event. Not even I could make this stuff up.

I walk out of the steam room in my towel in the locker room of my gym here in Auburn. I pick an empty shower, enter it, and shut the curtain behind me. Then, I proceed to take a shower like a normal guy in a shower would(naked at this point, of course). A middle-aged man I had made small talk in the steam room with walks by my shower and asked me if I was going back to the steam room. "No, I've had enough for today," I say over the sound of running water. The same man walks by again, this time he stops... peaks into my shower, says something incomprehensible, then proceeds into my shower and closes the curtain behind him. Looks at me and says, "I don't blame you, I can't concentrate in there with all those good looking guys." "Hmm... is that right?," I say confused and stunned at a portly gentleman that was now in my waters. "Is it ok if I grab a shower with you?," he says enthusiastically while coming at me all wide eyed weird looking. "No," I say. "You sure?," still working his way closer. "No man, I'm gettin' outta here." He then takes a step away from me before he turns around, stares me up and down(still naked) and says, "you're lookin good, man!" I gave him a WHAT THE HELL?!?!? look and he turned again barely holding up the small excuse for a towel that left little for the imagination. Before he opened the curtain back with his only free hand, he turned to look me up and down one more time and again said, "you're lookin' good." All I could think to say was, "You better watch out!," while I pointed toward the exit.

I now need a little more reassurance that I don't come off as someone who wants to be sexed up by a middle-aged man, please.

Boondocks

The show “Boondocks” on Comedy Central is written by some black guys and it’s basically meant to make fun of black guys. I haven’t ever seen it, but I heard about a scene from it just yesterday. Before I describe it, I’d like to say that I believe that it represents something stupid about all of us; it’s just written in a “thug” type of context.

Two guys are listening to music walking down a sidewalk not paying attention to what’s in front of them. They end up bumping shoulders. Instantly feeling the horrific disrespect, they immediately draw their guns and begin to unload their clips of rounds on each other. Well, they run out of ammunition without scratching the other, but both end up running from cops that show up after the gunfire is heard. Ultimately, the cops gun them both down while trying to run away with their empty weapons.

Both hilarious and awful, but here’s the moral of the story if you ask me: Clearly our pride is the source of all evil in world, this we know. But I will see your pride and raise you a “lack of truly believing in yourself.” After all, even if all of us had the biggest pride in the world, it would be no harm to anyone until that pride felt threatened and we felt the need to defend it and prove our worth to the world. I could give you every example in the world of evil and boil it down to a need to prove something to the world around us. I would even say that that need for proving is created within ourselves and could even be translated into: Proving something to ourselves, because we don’t truly believe that we are worthy. Put that in your pipe and smoke it motha licka!

Time to go all Sunday school on your asses: Recently, I’ve learned that when Peter walked out on the water to Jesus and began to sink, Jesus was pissed that he doubted himself and started sinking. Not that Peter doubted Jesus; after all, when he started sinking he knew he could count on Jesus to save him. He just doubted that he could really walk on water like Jesus did. Jesus did not doubt Peter. Believing in the power that Christ gives us seems to give that power authority in the physical world.

What would we accomplish if we redirected the energy we put into proving ourselves and pressed forward with all confidence knowing the power we already have?

Romans 8:37

Reset

I've found that God likes to start over. And I'm not just talking about the flood here. My understanding about how He effects our life goes like this... He rips out our heart, then He replaces it with a new one. This is in stark contrast to the idea that He somehow "adjusts" our heart or "tweaks" it. Takes out the bad and puts in some good. No. It's like you have a broken heart and He can't even work with it, so He gives you a brand new one.

Of course, I'm referring to the point where someone accepts Christ as his/her Lord and Savior. However, I've found that this concept is true in a lot of areas of my life. The hard part is this: He's gotta destroy things completely before He can replace them with something new. Much like in the intense scene of "The Passion of the Christ" that Jesus drags the huge cross on his back in the blistering sun. He's barely making any progress down the road. Lash wounds, dirt, and blood were literally covering his entire body. One of the times he trips and falls under the weight of the cross, He looks to his mother through his blood-filled eye sockets and says, "Look mom, I make all things new."

That lands on me like nothing else that you see in that film. Yes, He's beaten, bruised, ripped, crushed, spit on, etc... But the moment you realize that it's necessary is when it all comes together. It wasn't in vain. When I realize that something that may be tough in my life is necessary I'm renewed in my strength.

One more analogy and I'll leave you alone. Kevin Beasley(Leader of Converge Auburn) told me in reference to some struggles I've gone through in the past year this: You can look over the edge of a cliff and see somewhere down there that you know you need to be and you could be right, but you can't go straight there. You'd break every bone in your body and die. God knows the path around the mountain and down the hill. Often we look at it as the long way around, but God happens to know that it's the only way. I see a ton of things in my life more clearly through this revelation.
Romans 8:28

A lot can happen in a year.

Today is the one year anniversary of the day I boarded a 747 on the way to Kenya. In blogs to come I will explain some of the things I learned in Kenya, but for today let’s just recap for a moment:

Flew to Africa

Spent a month in one of the largest slums in the world: Kibera

Spent a month in a small village in Kenya called, “Eburu”

Came home to Auburn

Interviewed for post-college jobs

Worked at Chick-fil-a making sandwiches

Worked at Wal-Mart DC as a slave to the Man

Purchased an engagement ring

Went to school for two full semesters

Set a date to be married

Proposed and became engaged

Went through pre-marital counseling

Did some wedding planning

Canceled the wedding date

Became a first-time buyer of a new vehicle

Started a pseudo-photography business

Put on a photography exhibit at Auburn City Fest

Graduated college with a double major

Re-enrolled in Auburn as an Engineering student

Broke up with my fiancé

Got sued for a traffic incident in Canada that happened three years ago

Started a Painting business desperately trying to pay for school

Decided to blog about my life.

Damn.

But, today, I realized something. If the sequence of events that have unfolded over the past year did nothing but work to highlight some of my weaknesses and give me a huge dose of humility, then praise the Lord. He is Faithful. I couldn't be more grateful for what He has taught me in a year.

You might not wanna read this...

Every time I think about writing a new post, I think nahhh... People don't give a crap about that. I don't wanna waste your time, after all. My five years in Lowder may have had some effect on my brain concentrating on what's going to sell. So, that leads to a month or so with one blog post chillin' on my amazing blog. I mean, it's just one dumb story? Well, more of that is to come, I assure you. However, I'm about to take a huge risk in my estimation. I'm going to post stuff that I believe no one would care about. Because here's the deal, blogs are free. You're not paying me anything to type these thoughts I have and you don't have to read them. Let's be honest, this blog is mostly for me. I'm hoping to think through some things here and come to some conclusions about my life and thus, life in general. I'm only 22, but no one could deny that I've lived some life and I've got some thoughts, so what's to come will be a mixture of memories and recent experiences.

Good day to you.